Courageous Conversations
Courageous Conversations
Sometimes we people put off having difficult conversations because we don't know how to begin.
The best way to start is with a direct, upfront and authentic approach.
Ensure that your tone of voice signals discussion and exploration, not inquisition and punishment.
Be Prepared. Practice with a friend!
Know how to begin.
This framework is really helpful and will be so useful to yourself or to colleagues:
“When you____ I feel _____ because ________. In the future I would like _________”
Below are a range of equally useful frameworks for starting the conversation
RESTATE OR PARAPHRASE
“I think I heard you saying____________ (paraphrase their comments). Is that correct?”
ASK FOR CLARIFICATION OR MORE INFORMATION
“Could you say more about what you mean by that?”
“How have you come to think that?”
ACKNOWLEDGE THE FEELINGS BEHIND THE STATEMENT
Express empathy and compassion.
“It sounds like you’re really frustrated/nervous/angry……..”
“I can understand that you’re upset when you feel disrespected.”
SEPARATE INTENT FROM IMPACT
“I know you didn’t realise this, but when you __________ (comment/behaviour), it was hurtful/offensive because___________. Instead you could___________ (different language or behaviour.)”
SHARE YOUR OWN PROCESS
“I noticed that you ___________ (comment/behaviour). I used to do/say that too, but then I learned____________.”
EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS
“When you _____________ (comment/behaviour), I felt ____________ (feeling) and I would like you to________________.”
CHALLENGE THE STEREOTYPE
Give information, share your own experience and/or offer alternative perspectives.
“Actually, in my experience__________________.”
“I think that’s a stereotype. I’ve learned that___________________.”
“Another way to look at it is _________________.”
APPEAL TO VALUES AND PRINCIPLES
“I know you really care about _________. Acting in this way really undermines those intentions.”
PROMOTE EMPATHY
Ask how they would feel if someone said something like that about their group, or their friend/partner/child.
“I know you don’t like the stereotypes about ______ (their group), how do you think he feels when he hears those things about his group?”
“How would you feel if someone said that about/did that to your sister or girlfriend?”
TELL THEM THEY’RE TOO SMART OR TOO GOOD TO SAY THINGS LIKE THAT
“Come on. You’re too smart to say something so ignorant/offensive.”
PRETEND YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND
As people try to explain their comments, they often realise how silly they sound.
“I don’t get it…….”
“Why is that funny?
USE HUMOUR
Exaggerate comment, use gentle sarcasm.
“She plays like a girl?” You mean she plays like Serena Williams?” Or Mia Hamm?
POINT OUT WHAT THEY HAVE IN COMMON WITH THE OTHER PERSON
“I’m tired of hearing your Muslim jokes. Do you know he’s also studying ______
and likes to _________? You may want to talk with him about that. You actually have a lot in common.”
W.I.I.F.T. (What’s in it for them)
Explain why diversity or that individual/group can be helpful/valuable.
“I know you’re not comfortable with _____ but they can help us reach out to/better serve other groups on campus/in the community.”
“In the real world, we are going to have to work with all sorts of people, so might as well learn how to do it here.”
REMIND THEM OF THE RULES OR POLICIES
“That behaviour is against our code of conduct and could really get you in trouble.”
References:
Nadal, K. L. (2014). A guide to responding to microaggressions. In CUNY Forum (Vol. 2, No. 1, pp. 71-76).
Goodman, D. (2011). Promoting Diversity and Social Justice: Educating People from Privileged Groups. New York: Routledge. Excerpt available at www.dianegoodman.com
Further useful tips from Get the Edge
Handling the difficult conversation requires skill and empathy, but ultimately, it requires the courage to go ahead and do it. The more you get into the habit of facing these issues squarely, the more adept you will become at it. If you're unsure of how to best approach a crucial conversation, here are some tips to guide you:
1. Be clear about the issue.
To prepare for the conversation, you need to ask yourself two important questions: "What exactly is the behaviour that is causing the problem?" and "What is the impact that the behaviour is having on you, the team or the organization?" You need to reach clarity for yourself so you can articulate the issue in two or three succinct statements. If not, you risk going off on a tangent during the conversation. The lack of focus on the central issue will derail the conversation and sabotage your intentions.
2. Know your objective.
What do you want to accomplish with the conversation? What is the desired outcome? What are the non-negotiables? As English philosopher Theodore Zeldin put it: A successful conversation "doesn't just reshuffle the cards: it creates new cards." What are the new cards that you want to have in your hands by the end of the conversation? Once you have determined this, plan how you will close the conversation. Don't end without clearly expressed action items. What is the person agreeing to do? What support are you committed to provide? What obstacles might prevent these remedial actions from taking place? What do you both agree to do to overcome potential obstacles? Schedule a follow up to evaluate progress and definitively reach closure on the issue at hand.
3. Adopt a mindset of inquiry.
Spend a little time to reflect on your attitude toward the situation and the person involved. What are your preconceived notions about it? Your mindset will predetermine your reaction and interpretations of the other person's responses, so it pays to approach such a conversation with the right mindset—which in this context is one of inquiry. A good doctor diagnoses a situation before reaching for his prescription pad. This applies equally to a leader. Be open to hear first what the other person has to say before reaching closure in your mind. Even if the evidence is so clear that there is no reason to beat around the bush, we still owe it to the person to let them tell their story. A good leader remains open and seeks a greater truth in any situation.
The outcome of adopting this approach might surprise you.
4. Manage the emotions.
Most of us were likely raised to believe that emotions need to be left at the door. We now know that this is an old-school approach that is no longer valid in today's work environments. It is your responsibility as a leader to understand and manage the emotions in the discussion. The late Robert Plutchik, professor at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine, created a Wheel of Emotions to show that emotions follow a path. What starts as an annoyance, for example, can move to anger and, in extreme cases, escalate to rage. We can avoid this by being mindful of preserving the person's dignity—and treating them with respect—even if we totally disagree with them. In some cases, you may have to respond to a person's tears. In the video "How To Handle Tears At Work," Anne Kreamer, author of It's Always Personal: Navigating Emotion in the New Workplace, provides several strategies. These include acknowledging the tears rather than ignoring them, offering the person a tissue to provide an opportunity to gather his or her thoughts, and recognizing that the tears communicate a problem to be addressed.
5. Be comfortable with silence.
There will be moments in the conversation where a silence occurs. Don't rush to fill it with words. Just as the pause between musical notes helps us appreciate the music, so the periodic silence in the conversation allows us to hear what was said and lets the message sink in. A pause also has a calming effect and can help us connect better. For example, if you are an extrovert, you're likely uncomfortable with silence, as you're used to thinking while you're speaking. This can be perceived as steamrolling or overbearing, especially if the other party is an introvert. Introverts want to think before they speak. Stop talking and allow them their moment—it can lead to a better outcome.
6. Preserve the relationship.
A person who has high emotional intelligence is always mindful to limit any collateral damage to a relationship. It takes years to build bridges with people and only minutes to blow them up. Think about how the conversation can fix the situation, without erecting an irreparable wall between you and the person.
7. Be consistent.
Ensure that your objective is fair and that you are using a consistent approach. For example, if the person thinks you have one set of rules for this person and a different set for another, you'll be perceived as showing favouritism. Nothing erodes a relationship faster than perceived inequality. Employees have long-term memories of how you handled situations in the past. Aim for consistency in your leadership approach. We trust a leader who is consistent because we don't have to second-guess where they stand on important issues such as culture, corporate values and acceptable behaviours.
8. Develop your conflict resolution skills.
Conflict is a natural part of human interaction. Managing conflict effectively is one of the vital skills of leadership. Have a few, proven phrases that can come in handy in crucial spots.
9. Choose the right place to have the conversation.
Calling people into your office may not be the best strategy. Sitting in your own turf, behind your desk, shifts the balance of power too much on your side. Even simple body language, such as leaning forward toward the person rather than leaning back on your chair, can carry a subtle message of your positive intentions; i.e., "We're in this together. Let's problem solve so that we have a better workplace." Consider holding the meeting in a neutral place such as a meeting room where you can sit adjacent to each other without the desk as a barrier. Don't exclude the coffee shop.
10. Know how to begin.
Some people put off having the conversation because they don't know how to start. The best way to start is with a direct approach. "John, I would like to talk with you about what happened at the meeting this morning when Bob asked about the missed deadline. Let's grab a cup of coffee tomorrow morning to chat." Or: "Linda, I want to go over some of the issues with XYZ customer and some concerns that I have. Let's meet tomorrow morning to problem-solve."
Source: Get the Edge
Sometimes we people put off having difficult conversations because we don't know how to begin.
The best way to start is with a direct, upfront and authentic approach.
Ensure that your tone of voice signals discussion and exploration, not inquisition and punishment.
Be Prepared. Practice with a friend!
Know how to begin.
This framework is really helpful and will be so useful to yourself or to colleagues:
“When you____ I feel _____ because ________. In the future I would like _________”
Below are a range of equally useful frameworks for starting the conversation
RESTATE OR PARAPHRASE
“I think I heard you saying____________ (paraphrase their comments). Is that correct?”
ASK FOR CLARIFICATION OR MORE INFORMATION
“Could you say more about what you mean by that?”
“How have you come to think that?”
ACKNOWLEDGE THE FEELINGS BEHIND THE STATEMENT
Express empathy and compassion.
“It sounds like you’re really frustrated/nervous/angry……..”
“I can understand that you’re upset when you feel disrespected.”
SEPARATE INTENT FROM IMPACT
“I know you didn’t realise this, but when you __________ (comment/behaviour), it was hurtful/offensive because___________. Instead you could___________ (different language or behaviour.)”
SHARE YOUR OWN PROCESS
“I noticed that you ___________ (comment/behaviour). I used to do/say that too, but then I learned____________.”
EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS
“When you _____________ (comment/behaviour), I felt ____________ (feeling) and I would like you to________________.”
CHALLENGE THE STEREOTYPE
Give information, share your own experience and/or offer alternative perspectives.
“Actually, in my experience__________________.”
“I think that’s a stereotype. I’ve learned that___________________.”
“Another way to look at it is _________________.”
APPEAL TO VALUES AND PRINCIPLES
“I know you really care about _________. Acting in this way really undermines those intentions.”
PROMOTE EMPATHY
Ask how they would feel if someone said something like that about their group, or their friend/partner/child.
“I know you don’t like the stereotypes about ______ (their group), how do you think he feels when he hears those things about his group?”
“How would you feel if someone said that about/did that to your sister or girlfriend?”
TELL THEM THEY’RE TOO SMART OR TOO GOOD TO SAY THINGS LIKE THAT
“Come on. You’re too smart to say something so ignorant/offensive.”
PRETEND YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND
As people try to explain their comments, they often realise how silly they sound.
“I don’t get it…….”
“Why is that funny?
USE HUMOUR
Exaggerate comment, use gentle sarcasm.
“She plays like a girl?” You mean she plays like Serena Williams?” Or Mia Hamm?
POINT OUT WHAT THEY HAVE IN COMMON WITH THE OTHER PERSON
“I’m tired of hearing your Muslim jokes. Do you know he’s also studying ______
and likes to _________? You may want to talk with him about that. You actually have a lot in common.”
W.I.I.F.T. (What’s in it for them)
Explain why diversity or that individual/group can be helpful/valuable.
“I know you’re not comfortable with _____ but they can help us reach out to/better serve other groups on campus/in the community.”
“In the real world, we are going to have to work with all sorts of people, so might as well learn how to do it here.”
REMIND THEM OF THE RULES OR POLICIES
“That behaviour is against our code of conduct and could really get you in trouble.”
References:
Nadal, K. L. (2014). A guide to responding to microaggressions. In CUNY Forum (Vol. 2, No. 1, pp. 71-76).
Goodman, D. (2011). Promoting Diversity and Social Justice: Educating People from Privileged Groups. New York: Routledge. Excerpt available at www.dianegoodman.com
Further useful tips from Get the Edge
Handling the difficult conversation requires skill and empathy, but ultimately, it requires the courage to go ahead and do it. The more you get into the habit of facing these issues squarely, the more adept you will become at it. If you're unsure of how to best approach a crucial conversation, here are some tips to guide you:
1. Be clear about the issue.
To prepare for the conversation, you need to ask yourself two important questions: "What exactly is the behaviour that is causing the problem?" and "What is the impact that the behaviour is having on you, the team or the organization?" You need to reach clarity for yourself so you can articulate the issue in two or three succinct statements. If not, you risk going off on a tangent during the conversation. The lack of focus on the central issue will derail the conversation and sabotage your intentions.
2. Know your objective.
What do you want to accomplish with the conversation? What is the desired outcome? What are the non-negotiables? As English philosopher Theodore Zeldin put it: A successful conversation "doesn't just reshuffle the cards: it creates new cards." What are the new cards that you want to have in your hands by the end of the conversation? Once you have determined this, plan how you will close the conversation. Don't end without clearly expressed action items. What is the person agreeing to do? What support are you committed to provide? What obstacles might prevent these remedial actions from taking place? What do you both agree to do to overcome potential obstacles? Schedule a follow up to evaluate progress and definitively reach closure on the issue at hand.
3. Adopt a mindset of inquiry.
Spend a little time to reflect on your attitude toward the situation and the person involved. What are your preconceived notions about it? Your mindset will predetermine your reaction and interpretations of the other person's responses, so it pays to approach such a conversation with the right mindset—which in this context is one of inquiry. A good doctor diagnoses a situation before reaching for his prescription pad. This applies equally to a leader. Be open to hear first what the other person has to say before reaching closure in your mind. Even if the evidence is so clear that there is no reason to beat around the bush, we still owe it to the person to let them tell their story. A good leader remains open and seeks a greater truth in any situation.
The outcome of adopting this approach might surprise you.
4. Manage the emotions.
Most of us were likely raised to believe that emotions need to be left at the door. We now know that this is an old-school approach that is no longer valid in today's work environments. It is your responsibility as a leader to understand and manage the emotions in the discussion. The late Robert Plutchik, professor at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine, created a Wheel of Emotions to show that emotions follow a path. What starts as an annoyance, for example, can move to anger and, in extreme cases, escalate to rage. We can avoid this by being mindful of preserving the person's dignity—and treating them with respect—even if we totally disagree with them. In some cases, you may have to respond to a person's tears. In the video "How To Handle Tears At Work," Anne Kreamer, author of It's Always Personal: Navigating Emotion in the New Workplace, provides several strategies. These include acknowledging the tears rather than ignoring them, offering the person a tissue to provide an opportunity to gather his or her thoughts, and recognizing that the tears communicate a problem to be addressed.
5. Be comfortable with silence.
There will be moments in the conversation where a silence occurs. Don't rush to fill it with words. Just as the pause between musical notes helps us appreciate the music, so the periodic silence in the conversation allows us to hear what was said and lets the message sink in. A pause also has a calming effect and can help us connect better. For example, if you are an extrovert, you're likely uncomfortable with silence, as you're used to thinking while you're speaking. This can be perceived as steamrolling or overbearing, especially if the other party is an introvert. Introverts want to think before they speak. Stop talking and allow them their moment—it can lead to a better outcome.
6. Preserve the relationship.
A person who has high emotional intelligence is always mindful to limit any collateral damage to a relationship. It takes years to build bridges with people and only minutes to blow them up. Think about how the conversation can fix the situation, without erecting an irreparable wall between you and the person.
7. Be consistent.
Ensure that your objective is fair and that you are using a consistent approach. For example, if the person thinks you have one set of rules for this person and a different set for another, you'll be perceived as showing favouritism. Nothing erodes a relationship faster than perceived inequality. Employees have long-term memories of how you handled situations in the past. Aim for consistency in your leadership approach. We trust a leader who is consistent because we don't have to second-guess where they stand on important issues such as culture, corporate values and acceptable behaviours.
8. Develop your conflict resolution skills.
Conflict is a natural part of human interaction. Managing conflict effectively is one of the vital skills of leadership. Have a few, proven phrases that can come in handy in crucial spots.
9. Choose the right place to have the conversation.
Calling people into your office may not be the best strategy. Sitting in your own turf, behind your desk, shifts the balance of power too much on your side. Even simple body language, such as leaning forward toward the person rather than leaning back on your chair, can carry a subtle message of your positive intentions; i.e., "We're in this together. Let's problem solve so that we have a better workplace." Consider holding the meeting in a neutral place such as a meeting room where you can sit adjacent to each other without the desk as a barrier. Don't exclude the coffee shop.
10. Know how to begin.
Some people put off having the conversation because they don't know how to start. The best way to start is with a direct approach. "John, I would like to talk with you about what happened at the meeting this morning when Bob asked about the missed deadline. Let's grab a cup of coffee tomorrow morning to chat." Or: "Linda, I want to go over some of the issues with XYZ customer and some concerns that I have. Let's meet tomorrow morning to problem-solve."
Source: Get the Edge
